I feel as if I have kind of left the building here. I update but I am not really in the blog posts. Haven’t been able to figure out if I think that is a problem or not… I only know that writing in english changes my language, and in a way also my goals with my writing. I feel more free, even though I am more often trapped in the language than when I write in Swedish. I think I’ve become a little lazy in my own language. I’ve been writing in swedish, online, for so long – scattered with curses, slang and dialect. It’s been fun, but after a while I suppose it gets old?
It’s been hard to move. It is still hard. It took me ten years to get a first hand rental apartment in Stockholm and I was not ready to leave it, but now we have to. The landlord thought we were subletting the apartment which is not allowed, so they wanted to evict us. We of course just cancelled the contract and will move out the last of our stuff in the end of november. That was decided like in a day, from having that security blanket to WE LIVE HERE NOW. On one hand this is exactly what I was dreaming of last New Years Eve when I was non-drunk and nursing my not even one month old bebe, when I could actually hear and feel the massive amounts of fireworks outside of our building. It was like loud singing ”MOVE MOVE MOVE” and I was holding la beberina in my arms, almost crying for her sake even though she couldn’t care less about the noise and vibrations of little bombs echoing between the outer walls. My mantra to stay calm was ”next year we will spend new years in the cottage” and so we will. Now wether we like it or not, the cottage is soon our only home. AND THAT IS AMAZING in so many ways, but also scary as shit.
Nick has gone back to work after being on parental leave, but he’s just up stairs working from home over the internets. This way we get two whole hours more daytime together. In the apartment, he would have come home from work right after I have gone to bed with bebe! Hrrr… (Yes, we follow her every move and let her be in charge of our day. And she is a calm and content baby, thanks to it I’m sure! Some day I will write more about our co-sleeping, attachment parenting and baby-wearing ways.)
We don’t know any younger families here. I have my colleagues from my summer job close by but we don’t hang out. They’re working! And I’m at home on parental leave with bebelina. Thanks to a society used to parents staying home with their kids for at least the first year, there are places to go with your child to see other grown ups and their babies. It is one hour drive away from our little hamlet though, so I’ve been too lazy to go there even though I am longing so bad for other parents! For weeks I’ve been hoping for a spontaneous meet up in a closer village, but there’s been trouble finding a place for this meet up so the weeks go by. And I meet my elderly neighbors, go see my parents, taking care of some of the shit around the house that needs to be done… I go for hour-long walks in the forest with bebelina on my back in my awesome baby carrier and that is amazing and worth so much for my sanity (and her sleeping pattern), but I really need to start meeting some grown ups closer to my own age.
While we were travelling in the US, visiting grandparents and desert landscapes, our kitty Edmund stayed with my parents. He was welcomed there with open arms and thanked them by going on a killing spree on the local mouse population. Mom and dad asked to borrow him a week longer, as there was actually still some mice left for Edmund to take care of.
And then he got hit by a car.
My sister found him on the side of the road, where he never went because he was really scared of cars. For some reason he had been there anyway, too close to a car. He was just laying there, peacefully, so he probably died immediately which is a great relief. Cats, and especially our cat of course, are not made for pain and suffering. Only fluff, high climbing and squinting purrs. We were so sad! He was our first baby! And he and bebe was just starting to become friends! He was annoying with his high needs for cuddles when we didn’t always have time for it, and loosing his hairs all over the place but man, he was a damn nice cat!
So within a year we got a baby, lost our apartment and had our rescue cat killed (yeah, so it feels like it’s my fault sometimes, cats survive indoors much better BUT HE WANTED TO GO OUT SO BAAAAD) and now we’ve been living here for almost six months and still have no local friends. EEEEEK.
And then today happened. <3
I left the car with the local mechanic, a guy I have only met once before. All I need to tell him is my first name and the rest he knows just from the sound of my voice. He gave me a quick lesson in Tires 101, and I went for a walk while he changed to winter tires on the car. I saw parents with a pram. I see a few of them, every now and then… They do exist here, only a few kilometers from our house. I just have to wait, and stick around. And try not to galopp up to them which cheeks flabbing like that hound dog from the ”this is what I think I look like when I run”-picture hahaha.
As I am picking the car up an old man starts talking to me, in the out-in-the-sticks kind of way of ”HEY. I DON’T KNOW YOU. WHO ARE YOU”… I tell him where we have moved and I don’t even have to tell him village or road, as he used to know the previous owner. He got very excited, and told me yet another great story from our house. Everyone seems to have at least one fond memory of the old man with weird ideas on how to wire electrics. He definitely has brought a nice and friendly ”air” to our house! And I love hearing about it.
As I closed the door to the car back home I heard sounds of a chain saw up in the woods. It’s outside of our yard, but an interesting part of the woods so I trekked up there to see what was going on. (For my foreign readers – private land is not so private in Sweden, unless it’s your own backyard.) In this area there used to be like five farmers per hamlet, today there is one on five hamlets. Our one and very precious farmer was up in the woods behind my house, to clear up the historical carriage road so he can bring his draft horse into the woods to help him log it old school. Just imagine here, the drool dripping from my chin and glitter in my eyes! Last saturday he became a father and I almost yelled HELLOOOO PLAY DATES WITH FARMERS. I did not know that path was historical as it had been used by heavy logging machines and it was in pretty bad shape. But that’s how it usually looks ahem… I have had a project of finding a lake that is supposedly up in the woods and apparently this path goes straight there! On the way to the lake you end up on the local skiing track (5K!) which means we will have like a private access straight from our house. Yep, drool is still dripping here, as cross-country skiing is one of my childhood hobbies that I am hoping to get back into here in our hamlet. SO excited.
Instead of strapping bebe on my back (baby-wearing remember) I put her in her pram to see if she’s into sleeping in it these days. We went for a nice forest walk along the old village road, met the cutest fox ever, and she fell right asleep. We were out for almost one and a half hour and there was still so much walking to be done if we had felt like it, and everything felt so right.
This is what I was after, the rest is add ons. Foxes, forest walks and easy access to fresh air for my baby. It is worth losing our apartment for, but of course I would have wanted to keep the cat. If we just stick to doing what we like, and maybe uhm dare to drive that hour to see other parents and babies, this should work out fine, in time! That walk cleared up so much in my head, and I got ideas and plans and dreams. A big energy boost just in time for a cold and dark winter season.